Dear Self,
How does it feel to write letters to virtually everyone you love and hold silence when you think of yourself? It’s probably time we break that. It’s time that you and I had a little talk in the best way we can- through a letter.
I read what you wrote to your friend last week, you reminded them of everything they are, you saw in them palaces which you built out of your battles and said, “you would smile and that would be enough.” As I write this, with every word I can already determine that your first thought is- “Isn’t this just vain? Isn’t it vain to sit with yourself and tell yourself repeatedly to take care of yourself when you can really just think this to yourself and go ahead with your day?” Somedays- yes. But today? No. Most days you need words to remind yourself that you are just as capable of architecting an empire as you are of love. For some reason- you need to be reminded that you deserve to be loved, you have not lived with it long enough for it to stay in your skin and bones.
You’re afraid of what your body looks like, you shy away from the mirror too often. I’d ask you to apologise to your body, she does not deserve the disrespect you bestow upon her with every passing remark. It’s been a year and you’ve hardly given her the due credit for putting up with a pandemic and still working out whenever you forced her to. Just- for your sake- make sure you tell her that she’s doing just fine and that both of you will grow together as a team and not opponents. You need to know that she does not understand when you joke about her or comment about her features in a derogatory way, she stores that energy secretly, just like you. Be cautious with her love, actually just take care of her.
This year has come along with a lot of reminders for you, you’re trying to avoid most of them for an exchange with a temporary fix and really- that is not going to help. You’re just delaying the epiphanies dawning upon you because you’re afraid of walking through what you do not understand and have not explored. I won’t blame you, but I really want you to sit with your insecurities and all of the discomfort you feel. You’ve been wallowing, it’s time you comprehend and process. It’s not easy- I know. It’s not even peaceful- I know. The social media wants you to believe that healing is a one month starter pack to an entirely secured future, which makes you feel overwhelmed. You do not know when you began to heal, you do not know when and where it ends and that’s exactly the process.
Intimidation is not allowing you to enter the creative process and the academic commitment that you want to, I know you’re improving- but I am saying- you need to start “doing” maybe while you’re “thinking” and “solving” this insecurity. You’ve proved yourself over and over again to me, I’ve seen you defeat stage fright and listened to your friends’ shock when they got to know you had it in the first place. You’ve seen a vision of yourself, you are actualising it, I can see it from here- but you need to step out of intimidation and look deeper in your growth. You need to assess what growth means for you. And it’s absolutely okay to take time, it’s just not okay to delay this process.
Over the past year, you have hurt and have been hurt. You’ve made yourself believe that all of what you are is not to love, it’s not worthy of praise, you believe yourself to be so frail that- love can pass by you and you’d wave bye telling them you do not deserve them. You deserve- yes- don’t stop reading- you deserve the palaces you see in others. It is okay to take time and build them by yourself right now, you need that. You need the echoing mountains to tell you that no one has the authority to feel ashamed of you, not even you. You are flawed and really some days it is not okay. Some of the hurt you have levied upon others, does not deserve forgiveness, but that does not equate to an excuse for you to let go of your quest of becoming a better person. You will get there.
I’ve seen you speak of a void that still sits in your heart after four years of parting ways with a dear friend. Let the tears in, you’ve held them back for years. I’ve seen you cry and I’ve seen you wish for their health every Christmas in your silences, you’ve hoped and ached to see them at the railway station you often went to- together. It’s taxing to see you hope for their health and wish for nothing but their happiness, yet press the back button and not call them on their birthday. You see their pictures from time to time, you know heart-in-heart their friendship is probably the purest and the most significant thing in your life. You know that you will not find anything like that friendship, anymore. Partly because now you know, Octobers are just a way for you to sit and look at the crystallised memories, their pictures and feel nothing but gratitude. It’s okay. You have your reasons for your silence. This October, just- smile, revisiting your most warm days.
A very happy-20-days-late-new-year to you, too. You’re only celebrating your new year now, after making through your most difficult semester so far. Not difficult in concepts, difficult in mental exhaustion. You made it! You’re here with yet another chest of memories and experiences you never thought you would actualise or even witness. You do not see it some days, but I do. I see you everytime you stand in front of the mirror and you grow with every reflection. I am here for you, okay?
I am no superwoman, but together- “We could be the greatest team that the world has ever seen”
With all the love,
Yours truly,
A-growing-human.
Suchitra Harnahalli 